Marriage management – treat marriage like a bank account

Relationships need daily deposits or investments to remain healthy and fresh. Steven Covey, marriage management expert and the author of Seven Habits for Highly Successful Families (Simon & Schuster LTD, 1999), coined the term “emotional bank account,” which is based on how completely people are trusted by others – most importantly, their partners.

Avoiding Deficit Spending in the Emotional Bank Account

Kind gestures, kept promises, expressions of appreciation and love and acts of respect all add to the emotional bank account, writes marriage management expert in his book. Criticism, broken promises, and being ignored all withdraw from the account.

When there is a comfortable wealth in the emotional bank account, the relationship feels safe and content. Arguments and disagreements may occur, but as long as they are handled in a constructive manner, the conflict can be resolved.

Little things a partner does that are irritating aren’t really such a big deal; in fact, they might even seem endearing.

When the Emotional Bank Account is Low

When funds dip in the emotional bank account – or worse yet, when the account is overdrawn – partners spend their days walking on eggshells. Emotions are high, and individuals feel misunderstood, resentful and even contemptuous. A partner’s irritating little habits are crazy-making. Couples might begin to lose their commitment to the relationship and wonder what they ever saw in their partner, says marriage management professional.

Arguments go on for what seems like forever in a continual cycle of conflict, resentment and even rage. Partners withdraw emotionally, and a “cold war” of stony silence develops. Each feels self-righteous, and may even think to himself or herself, “That’s it. I’m done.”

Tips to Avoid an Overdrawn Account

Appreciation and gratitude nurture the energy and spirit of relationships, while criticism and contempt drain it. On a daily basis, partners need to pay attention to how they treat one another, making sure that at least five “deposits” occur for everyone “withdrawal” made.

Research by John Gottman, author of Why Marriages Succeed or Fail, And How You Can Make Yours Last (Simon & Schuster, 1995), has shown that in marriages that last, positive behaviors towards a partner outnumber negative ones by a five-to-one ratio. This means that each time an individual complains about her husband’s snoring or his wife’s shopping, at least five positive behaviors are needed to counteract the complaint.

Appreciation and gratitude nurture the energy and spirit of relationships, while criticism and contempt drain it. On a daily basis, partners need to pay attention to how they treat one another, making sure that at least five “deposits” occur for everyone “withdrawal” made.

Research by John Gottman, author of Why Marriages Succeed or Fail, And How You Can Make Yours Last (Simon & Schuster, 1995), has shown that in marriages that last, positive behaviors towards a partner outnumber negative ones by a five-to-one ratio. This means that each time an individual complains about her husband’s snoring or his wife’s shopping, at least five positive behaviors are needed to counteract the complaint.

Too Much Work?

Remember “The Golden Rule – do unto others as you would have them do unto you?” The emotional bank account concept is really based on this guideline; treat others, particularly a beloved partner, with kindness, respect and consideration.

 

Marriage management expert says this might sound like a lot of effort, but it’s basically just about being mindful when it comes to day-to-day interactions with one’s partner. Pay attention to gestures, words, and attention. Notice behaviors. Then mindfully and purposefully speak and behave in an appreciative, kind manner.

Some examples of behaviors in marriage management that make deposits in the emotional bank account are:

Make eye contact and smile at him
Kiss her goodbye in the morning, not with a little peck on the cheek, but with a six-second kiss
Give him a big bear hug
Thank her for some small thing she did that day
Pick some wildflowers for her
Write a loving message on a Post-It Note, and leave it on his car seat
Keep promises, even the smallest ones
Listen when the partner talks
Pick up after yourself, rather than leaving messes for a partner
Turn off the TV and turn attention towards the partner
Nurturing the Relationship Will Become a Habit

Repeated behaviors soon become automatic, like a habit. Add to this fact that the concept of the emotional bank account is like another old adage, “You reap what you sow.”

Once partners become aware and mindful about their behaviors in the relationship, and begin thinking about them as deposits or withdrawals, it becomes much easier for them to focus on nurturing their relationship rather than taking it for granted, adds marriage management expert.

If the emotional bank account in a marriage is low, building it up will be a gradual process. However, the investment made each day puts couples on the road towards a more trusting, loving and fulfilling relationship.