Resolve conflict by seeing the inner gift

It’s unfortunate when close friends, family, co-workers or neighbors are unable to resolve conflict. When long term disputes are particularly charged or painful, people may part ways and avoid seeing each other at family or social gatherings. This doesn’t make the hurt diminish; instead it festers within like an unhealed wound.

To truly heal disputes, it’s helpful to shift from external blame to an inward focus in order to find the inner gift of growth and healing.

What Causes Conflict

Conflict arises when two or more people oppose each other in views and don’t accept the diversity between them. We see this with friends, family members, co-workers, neighbors, and nations. One person or group believes things should be this way while another person or group is adamant it be another way. It becomes a right vs. wrong, good vs. bad or an us vs. them dichotomy. Disputes become worse when someone feels slighted, offended or invalidated by another. This is often because one person’s expectations of another have not been met.

For example, if friend A expects friend B to always grant favors when asked, but friend B is learning to set boundaries and says no, this can create a conflict. Friend A may take this personally and feel hurt and betrayed. Or if a family member wants to be treated and trusted like a responsible adult, but one of their parents continually criticizes or tries to control them, this can lead to resentment and a rift in the relationship.

People can try to communicate effectively to others about what is bothering them, how they’ve been hurt, and how they would like to be treated, but if the situation continues and the conflict escalates, it’s time to stop trying to change others and the situation and instead look deeper into healing oneself.

Explore the Inner Gift of Healing and Growth

Whenever a hurt occurs, there is an underlying wound being triggered. Only the wounded person can heal themselves or seek help in the healing process. When people feel whole, happy and centered in their life, they are not easily wounded or triggered by others. They don’t take things personally and they know they are bigger than the discord. Yet with each conflict, dispute and so called, wounding, there are many opportunities for self-healing; here are a few ways to discover the hidden gifts, learning and lessons.

Acknowledge the feelings and underlying pain. When people are triggered by others, it is easy to slip into blame and focus on the other. Yet this prevents inner healing. Instead, if a person breathes into their emotions and looks underneath to see what is really being triggered – a similar feeling from childhood, an old wound, a pattern of being treated badly – they will see the root of their suffering.

Release the painful charge from past wounds. Once a person has recognized the deeper wound being triggered, they can process these emotions, nurture themselves, or seek counseling to help heal old issues. From this place, the current hurt seems much less daunting and forgiveness is near.

View the difficulty as a teacher. Viewing the offending person or painful situation as a teacher opens up the possibility for greater learning and growth. Within each challenging situation is an opportunity.

Someone who is easily triggered by criticism is being nudged to increase their self-esteem to the point where no one else can diminish it. The person who is heart broken when their lover leaves, is given the chance to find an inner reservoir of love so deep, no can take it away. Ask yourself, what you are being taught by the conflict or dispute in your life.

When people take responsibility for their end of disputes, their feelings, and their underlying wounds, they see the hidden gifts being offered: the lessons, learning and growth. Then they feel gratitude for the person who triggered their wounds, providing them with an opportunity to grow, heal, and evolve.

Choose to Mediate

Looking back at history, conflict has seeped into every part of humanity. There has been discord and tension between people and groups of people due to ideological differences involving ethnicity, politics, religion and social class. Some disputes have been simple while others have been extremely complex and multifaceted. No matter what the disagreements involved, the results have shaped history.

It is essential for humans to learn how to resolve conflicts and to manage conflict effectively. Alternative dispute resolution is one option that continues to offer better outcomes and in today’s society, many are choosing this option to resolve their conflicts. Mediation is a form of alternative dispute resolution that is becoming more popular than ever.

What is Mediation

The goal of mediation is to assist disputants in reaching a mutually acceptable agreement. The process involves a mediator that is a neutral third party and one that does not enforce a decision or impose a resolution. The mediator facilitates the process and guides the parties to come to an agreement on their own.

A mediator guides the parties through a course of sharing information, developing options for resolution, negotiating, and formalizing agreements or contracts. Again, the parties come to an agreement on their own and the mediator maintains impartiality throughout the process. It is imperative that the parties participate voluntarily and the information shared during the session remains confidential.

Why Choose Mediation

Listed below are some of the key reasons to choose to mediate a conflict.

Disputants often want to find solutions. Even when attempts at solving conflict have been unproductive in the past, the presence of a skilled mediator can lead to successful outcomes.

Mediation provides a secure and confidential setting which allows all parties to explore issues, talk about solutions, think creatively and settle disagreements in a safe setting.

In the United States the courts have found themselves with an extremely busy calendar. Mediation can be a lot less expensive than litigation and the parties involved have a greater control over resolving the dispute.

The process of mediation is often much less adversarial than the litigation route.

A qualified mediator doesn’t advise the parties, but helps the parties to fully understand why they are disagreeing, helps identify underlying problems and helps the parties work toward creating a permanent mutually agreeable resolution.

Mediation can help maintain and enhance personal and business relationships, as well as set parameters for the relationship in the future.

When to Use Mediation

Mediation is an excellent option for disputes that involve individuals, families, groups of people, schools, businesses, organizations, communities, states, etc: really anyone who has an interest in resolving the conflict. Mediation ranges from a small peer mediation group in a school all the way to global peace talks.